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Want to link to Strawberry Wine? A text link is perfectly okay, but you also have the alternate of using a button.Link to:
http://zumi.bizhat.com
Jokes
Here are some jokes having an indefinite origin, as they were found in places such as chainletters, so they are assumed to be open domain.A Case for the FBI
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters."Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
If Only Men Would Listen
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time.As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
Life Savers
A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day, she brought in rolls of Lifesavers of all flavors."Children," she announced, passing out the Lifesavers, "I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these and tell me what they are."
The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them the honey-flavored Lifesavers, every one of the kids was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
Little Johnny and Class Imagination
Esther Cohen was testing her 2nd grade class' imagination. She put her hand in a box, removed something, without the class seeing what it was, put her hand behind and asked "Class I am holding something in my hand, its round, red and is edible, what is it? Several hands went up.Esther said, "Yes, Robert?"
Robert asked, "Is it an apple?"
Esther replied, "No Robert, who else can try?"
Peter called out, "It's an orange."
The young teacher said, "No."
Then James shouted, "It's a tomato!"
"Very good James, that's correct", the teacher answered.
Little Johnny's hand shot up as he said "Miss Cohen, I also want to test the class' imagination too."
Esther, reluctant to call on Johnny due to his propensity to use foul language, said "Okay, go ahead".
Johnny putting his hand in his trousers pocket says, "I am holding something in my hand, it's three inches long and has a head, what is it?"
The class was quite and no one had their hand up. The teacher thought quickly and said in a disgusted voice, "Johnny sit down and keep quite, I don't want any of your silly jokes."
Johnny, smiling removes his hand from his pocket and says, "It's a match stick. Miss Cohen, you have a lot of imagination."
Little Johnny and Thumb Sucking
Little Johnny had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. Little Johnny considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
Hotel Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night."Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
Preventing Disease
Miss Bee was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bee had flipped... or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." and motioned towards the bowl.
"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."
